I just read Ryan’s blog
And to future self:
Ryan is a breakdancer who you were very fond of..
And at this point of time,
You prefer Dominic whom you probably have forgotten or grew tire of
Oh, he’s a breakdancer too.

So, yea, I’ve just realized something
How could one so detail-y and meticulous-y keep record of all those moments in life?
And to boot, have fantastic pictures to tell stories.
I am in awe and yet I am envious.

And so yea, here again, I just feel smaller than what life should really feel like
Still, I still feel trapped
And God knows why cause
As much as I try to make it all out
And guess my reasons
I still don’t know if they ever come close.

Something I am really sure of
Is that I don’t belong here
My heart is always telling me something else
Especially when I have nestled into ideas of plain comfort

Today has been hell
Cuz it’s just another battle.
I can only pretend to be oblivious
And help in little ways I can
Sure I make mistakes
Well, I get more shit than I deserve for them.

Namely, I have to say,
I WAS angry, now disappointed.
In myself and you
I do understand why you have to publically express your displeasure
You’re sad? I’m hurt.
It clearly says that my remorse does not account for anything

Same situations.
They always say same shit different day right. Yup, no doubt.
They never change because I shoulder the burden in the end.

Well, I’m only human.
And there is my fault,
I am someone, who probably needs to make effort in being nice to people.
And be straight with people
Well, I guess everything needs effort.
Here is where I want look at myself
And stare at regret in the eye
I’ll be damned if I don’t become a better person.

I do, I really do need to make extra efforts for thinking about others before myself
It doesn’t come easy for me, well maybe I guess..
I was built like that, selfish.
It breaks my heart to see myself so,
And to watch others,
Sincerely devote themselves to sincerity,
Makes choke with shame

My laughter don’t come easy anymore

But I remember a stranger told me:
Be happy.
And don’t let what people say affect
Just go ahead and do what you want to do.
Whatever happens, be happy.

So here I am.
I will be happy by choice
But I will not forget that void growing, until..
I finally understand and find that something
That God knows, and my heart urges me to do.
Perharps, I can turn back and tell my own stories

Right here, right now.
To this moment
Like the electric pulses flowing through the heart
Just measured on paper.
I shall find the pinnacle

I see that I will be compassionate
And remain passionate

I’ll reduce myself to feel whole again.


My prayer:
To find hope, the will and the way.